Shadows of a dream remembered

There is a price to pay for every luxury that we want in life. I am learning that hard and fast these days. And yes before you question it, owning large animals is a luxury. Having our cows is part of a life choice that I have made for my children and myself. One that I will not regret no matter what happens.

I have wanted to own cows and horses for as long as I can remember. I had an amazing brother, Elmer, who got me into farming when I was a young girl. He worked at a local dairy farm in our small town in the Southwest corner of New Hampshire. Often we would go to visit him and he would take me walking out in the free stall where all of the big milking cows just lounged around waiting until it was time to be brought into the barn and milked. I loved those cows. I loved him and the time that we spent together.

When I was 8 years old Elmer brought me to my first 4-H meeting. The wife of the farms owner was the local leader and meetings were held at the farm. I was terrified. I was not a very outgoing child and being put in the middle of the kitchen with all of these kids that seemed so my bigger than I was at the time was a bit frightening. But Brenda was amazing. She treated me like one of her own children and soon I realized that being in this group was like having a bunch of brothers and sisters.

The older kids had so much to teach me. And I sucked it all up like a sponge. It did not take me very long to decided that farming was something that I wanted to do when I got older. I loved every minute of it. And most of all I enjoyed the time that I got to spend with my brother as he helped me train my first heifer. A big black and white girl named Alli.

After my first show season I was addicted. I started spending free time at the barn doing work in exchange for leasing Alli. This eventually turned into a summer job. I worked for Brenda, cleaning and feeding calves and whatever other chores she had to do. To a nine year old this was an amazing opportunity. I learned so much about farming and animals. I also learned a lot about myself.

Elmer and I got into the habit of talking about the kind of farm I wanted to have when I got older. There was an old red barn that we would look at whenever we drove into Keene. Secretly we had wished that someday that would be our barn. I had vivid dreams about what it would be like restoring the broken down building to the grandeur that it had once possessed. I knew Elmer had thoughts like this was well.

I lost my brother one cold November day when I was 15. And along with him my dreams of owning my own farm died as well. I continued to work for Brenda for a couple more years. After my 18th birthday I got completely out of 4-H and away from farming. It brought back to many regrets and memories that I had thought were better buried away. It took me a really long time to come to terms with Elmer's death. But eventually it happened.

It happened when Aeryn begged me to let her join a 4-H group. She had been around cows since birth as one of her baby sitters used to also work at the farm. She knew all about 4-H and could not wait to be old enough to join. Through her I have once again found that love that I once had. There are days that I can not help looking at her and seeing the shadow of my brother following closely at her heals. I know that he would be proud of her. Proud of the amazing young girl that she has become and her ability to take the bull by the horns and come out on her feet. What an amazing child she is.

I tell her about him. The funny, loving stories that we made together. The memories of a time long gone by. Deep inside I believe he is watching her as she succeeds in the goals that she has set for herself. I also believe that he is smiling down on me. If anyone would support the fact that I have made a wise choice it would have been him.